I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
