She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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