Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
