So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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