he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
