You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
