I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
