I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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