My friends, they love my intelligence
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
