My room smells like vodka and shame
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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