I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
