i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Randomize
