So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
