Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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