he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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