whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
