I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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