i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
