before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
