Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
