i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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