If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
