At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
