im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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