Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
