i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
