tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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