I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
