Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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