my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
whose parrot is this?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
