the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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