Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
