yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
