Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
