my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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