I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Randomize
