my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You are the jesus of drinking
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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