so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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