I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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