Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
