She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
