I seem to have left my pride at pride
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
