How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
