i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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