Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
