Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
