I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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