it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
