I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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