My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
