how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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