Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
