Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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