watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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