Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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