Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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