Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
