at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I need moral support for this bender
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
