I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
whose parrot is this?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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