my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
