I skipped work to stalk him.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
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No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
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Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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