he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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