so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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