dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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