This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
don't judge my taste in strippers
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
