ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
