i'm lost and i look like a hooker
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
