I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
