Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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