she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
