My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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